Texas Update

We have been in Texas now for 4 months! That seems crazy. It is crazy because it has felt like so much longer. In these past 4 months so much life has happened, yet it seems like almost nothing has changed. Honestly, moving to Texas sort of felt like moving to Mars. The morning we pulled away from our home in Kansas City it was about 50 degrees. We drove for 12 hours and all the sudden it was 95 degrees! We moved from renting an 850ish square foot townhome to a 4 bedroom 3 bath home that we own. We went from having no back yard to a wonderful tree filled yard for our pups to play and run around in for hours every day. 

Kevin’s work started much more quickly than we though it would. He immediately started in early June with a month of orientation and then had two months of a rotation in July and August in which he worked 12+ hours almost every day. Most of his weeks were 6-7 day weeks, and he had a two day weekend just one time each month. Needless to say, it has been an adjustment!(Just as we knew it would be). The really good news is that he absolutely LOVES what he is doing and feels confident he went into the right field. We know it will continue to be long hours and lots of hard work, but we are both happy that Kevin is so satisfied with his chosen career. 

Also in those first 2 months(July and August) we had originally planned on seeking out fertility treatments to finally start our family after 3 years of infertility. Sadly, once we arrived my legs started experiencing issues….again. Anyone who has followed our story up to this point knows I had been diagnosed with Chronic Exhertional Compartment Syndrome and had already had 2 surgeries (the 2nd much more extreme than the first, which had failed) The good news is the symptoms that reemerged were not quite the same as before. The tightness in my calves was gone and only the pain remained. This lead me down a different path and ultimately I ended up being diagnosed with nerve entrapment which runs together with CECS frequently). The bad news: this will require additional surgery. The good news: this surgery is INCREDIBLY sucessful nearly every single time. Therefore after these 2 surgeries (the surgeon only wants to do 1 leg at a time) I should have my life back! The CECS will be gone and the nerve entrapment will be gone! The 2 conditions together are what caused me such grief for the past 5 years! I have talked to a lot of people who had these conditions together and once they fixed the nerve issues it was resolved! 

In fact one thing they do to diagnose this condition is similar to a nerve block and simulates what would happen post surgery. They inject the muscles that are compressing the nerves with a medication that causes the nerve to become temporarily free (that’s my understanding at least). That was CRAZY because it worked so well and for 4 days I had 1 leg that had terrible issues and the other leg was completely normal, something I have not experienced in 5 years! So the first surgery will be in a few weeks…I am excited. 

So obviously with all of that going on we have not had the ability to start those fertility treatments. We had also begun to look into fostering again. Here in Texas the need is incredibly high, especially for infant placements. The rate of adoption is also significantly higher than the rates in Missouri, therefore we had a pretty good chance of fostering to adopt a baby here. That was exciting, until we found out that we will not qualify for daycare assistance here in TX! 

You see for the past few years (since student teaching) I have wanted to pursue my Master’s degree in Social Work. I want to become a counselor and work with families who are adopting, birth mothers placing their children for adoption, or some sort of crisis pregnancy counseling. In the past year I have also added counseling infertile couples to that list. Therefore, I decided once we got settled into residency I would apply to start school, which will be full time for 2.5 years. So with Kevin working up to 80 hours a week and me being in school full time we would need our fosters to be able to go to daycare some days. Texas has a law that you can only receive full time daycare for foster kids if both parents work full time, and in TX full time graduate school (or school in general) doesn’t count as a job. Therefore we would have to cover daycare costs out of pocket…which is simply not an option right now. In Missouri they had part time daycare for part time working families…which they don’t have here either. We are going to keep trying and hope to find a way to be able to foster here in TX, eventually.

All of these things bring me to my next story and the next event that has occurred in our lives. As some of you have seen Kevin and I have recently opened our home to a newborn foster puppy through the humane society. When hurricane Harvey hit and Houston was underwater the shelters here went and rescued TONS of pets; therefore, they needed foster homes. The area we live (I am not being specific for privacy sake) stepped up and met the need for foster families, and they didn’t need us at that time. But, the shelter here asked up to consider becoming a foster family for non hurricane pets because there was a pretty consistent shortage. We agreed and heard nothing for almost a month.

So the other night I was pretty irritated. I was talking to God and telling Him how frustrated I had become here in TX. I don’t have a job (because of the 2 leg surgeries coming up and grad school) I have not started school yet because the program I am hoping to go to doesn’t start until the fall (there is a chance it will start in the spring…so fingers crossed). We haven’t been able to have a baby or start fertility treatments and anytime we get close something comes up and it gets delayed. We cannot foster children or babies right now…overall we are pretty stuck waiting. I told Him I was so tired of waiting, I was tired of having nothing to do and feeling like I had no purpose right now. I told Him I needed Him to give me a baby, a little girl to love and to nurture. I obviously have prayed this prayer well over 100 times in the past 3+ years of trying to have a baby….the answer has been a resounding no every single time….I have prayed for a son too, that doesn’t change the answer either ;). 

To my surprise the next morning I woke up to a  phone call from the humane society. They told me there was a newborn puppy at the shelter that had been rejected by its mother. Originally they told me the puppy was a boy. They told me he had an abscess on his foot that caused him to look deformed and his mother kept trying to smother him. They asked me if I would be willing to foster the puppy who needed around the clock care and to be bottle fed every 2 hours. I told them no…that was just too much work. 

About an hour after I hung up the phone I remembered the prayer I prayed the night before. I remembered telling God I wanted a baby to love and care for. Surely this couldn’t be His answer…He wouldn’t be that ironic right? I talked to Kevin and told him I would call the shelter at 3 o’clock and if they hadn’t found a home (which I thought for sure they would) then we would take the puppy. 

When I called back, they told me they hadn’t found a home for the puppy….a girl. We agreed to pick her up the next morning. We have now had Minnie (aka “mouse”) for a week and every single second has been an absolute gift. She weighed 0.6 pounds when we got her and now she weighs 1.2 pounds. She should be opening her eyes here in the next few days and we cannot wait!  Harvey absolutely loves her and has earned the nick name "Momma Harvey." Gracie is still not too sure about having a baby sister around, but she is warming up a bit more each day. Who knew Jesus could answer such a specific prayer in such an ironic fashion. We agreed to keep her for 1-3 weeks…but we will probably end up keeping her a lot longer.

I wanted to share that story with you because it was an answer to prayer. It may not have been the answer I was looking for, but I am so thankful that Jesus gave us the opportunity to save the life of one of His precious little creatures. 

So there you have it, an update on our lives! We are hanging out here in TX. We are settling in and have finally connected with a solid church, we have made a few great friends, and have been working really hard on adjusting to the heat….which apparently never goes away, but hey, at least it is only 88 degrees today! 

Thanks for reading!

Anna and Kevin

Life Update

Wow, it has been a long time since we have updated our blog. There are simply so many things going on that I will address the big ones that many people have asked about or wanted to know! So here we go, an update on the biggest things going on in the Quinby household! 

Anna’s leg surgery update

As of right now the 2nd surgery for my chronic exheritional compartment syndrome seems to have been sucessful. It was incredibly invasive as the doctor released all 4 compartments on each of my legs cutting through my calf muscle to get there. Apparently the fascia had been growing and spreading like a weed down my legs and even spread onto my tiba bones! My surgeon had to literally scrape it off with his scalpel. That pretty much feels exactly how you think it would. I have some seemingly permanent nerve damage. While this is not ideal, it could be far, far worse. It only affects about 4 or 5 inches of my right leg (from the top of my foot to the middle of my shin bone) I can not feel anything in that portion of my leg. I can feel pressure in the area, but nothing on the surface. 

I am so incredibly thankful to have such and amazing surgeon. I shared with him my concerns that my nerves in the compartments he had worked on last year were trapped. He agreed to reopen those compartments and sure enough, when he did he found that my nerves were completely covered and trapped in scar tissue. Had he not been willing to listen to me I would still be having some serious issues. He also went to extremes to make sure he found everything that was wrong and take care of it. I am also thankful to have worked with such wonderful physical therapists who worked really hard to help me recover and then taught me some things I could work on once I lost the insurance that covered PT. 

I am still not at a point where I can run, but I have been able to start exercising regularly and living a pretty normal life. I do have some pretty massive scars down both legs, but it is what it is…and they are pretty hard-core though! I am continuing to hope and pray that this will be the end of my journey with compartment syndrome. But, this is a chronic condition, so there are really no guarantees. Many people who I have followed in the support group have had 3-5 surgeries, others have done experimental procedures. So if unfortunately the condition returns, I will likely consider the newer procedures that are only done by 1 physician in the world(in Wyoming!)! He has pretty good results. Hopefully though, that will not be the case! As always, if you have questions about my condition or my surgeries I am not shy at all! Feel free to message me all of your questions!

Kevin’s Medical School Journey

Kevin is set to graduate from medical school on May 20th! I am so incredibly proud of him and how far he has come and how much he has learned! He is going to be such an incredible psychiatrist. He is so thoughtful and caring and so patient. He is going to make such a huge impact on all of his patients. We are heading down Texas for the next 4+ years for his residency and potential fellowship in child and adolescent psych.  Residency is not going to be easy, but we are still pretty excited about the whole situation! We will be moving the day after his graduation. We decided with his report date in very early June, the sooner we got to San Antonio the better it would be. We wanted ample time to set up our home, explore the area, get the puppies acclimated, and have some down time before he is busy with work all the time.  

Infertility

As many of you know we have recently made our journey with infertility public. We felt like we were missing out on a major opportunity by keeping it private. I have learned these past 3 years that our greatest struggles in life have the potential to be our greatest ministries. I am a pretty private and reserved person, but i simply couldn’t go without sharing this part of my life any longer. It has been incredibly freeing to no longer be hiding and desperately avoiding people asking me when we will be having a child. I do plan to start writing more about infertility, what it is like, things to never say to couples with this struggle, and things to say instead! I feel like this is a subject that has been taboo for many years and deserves to be talked about. Many people you know likely struggle in the same way we do and I want to try to help bring light to that issue! 

For us specifically there are still no answers. Thankfully once we get on tri-care this summer we will be able to seek real answers for the first time. In case you didn’t know, all things infertility are INSANELY expensive…as in 1 visit to a specialist can cost upwards of 2 thousand dollars….for a single visit and a few tests. So as you can imagine it adds up VERY quickly. We have simply been unable to afford that these past 3 years. 

We are so incredibly thankful that not only does tri-care cover some costs, but because we will be in Texas we will be in one of the hubs for military infertility care. Therefore, we are able to get into a program that is training new and soon to be reproductive endocrinologists, so the costs of all of these procedures, tests, office visits, blood draws, medications, shots, ultra sounds and oodles of other things are nearly free. This is a HUGE blessing. It will take some time to get the ball rolling on all of this…because no surprise here…it can take quite some time to get an appointment at this military clinic. 

****if you are reading this and find yourself in a similar situation…PLEASE know you can reach out to me. I would love to support you in your journey. Do not suffer alone! Having a friend to walk this road with you is such a game changer! Reach out…whatever you say will be kept between us and I will not share it! I know that this is something that many people keep private, but don’t suffer alone!

Future Plans

We are pretty excited about getting to Texas. If I am honest it took a few months for us to get on board with moving so far south. We really love the midwest and Kansas City. So it may take awhile to adjust back to the southern weather and culture. We are hoping to get really connected there and build a solid community. We are also hoping to find a church and get involved in the youth ministry. We feel that there is such a huge need for loving adults in the lives of teenagers! We both had some amazing young adults pour into our lives as teenagers and that is something we have always wanted to do as well. When someone makes such a huge difference in your life simply by spending a few hours a week with you it isn’t hard to want to do the same for another person! 

I (Anna) am also considering going back to school. I have wanted to get my masters degree for quite some time now. I put those plans on hold to start my family with Kevin. That clearly didn’t pan out the way we expected. So, I have started looking into masters of social work programs in the surrounding areas in Texas. My dream job has always been working in adoptions. I would love to work counseling birth mothers or adoptive couples. It would also be amazing to be able to work with Kevin when he is in his own practice some day. So our plans are still changing and nothing is quite set in stone yet, our main focus will be residency, building a community, and starting our family. 

How to Pray for us

-that we will have a smooth move and get settled into our new place in Texas.

-that we will connect with other couples and people and really make Texas home.  

-that we will find an incredible church to get connected in

-for chronic exhertional compartment syndrome to stay FAR FAR away and never come back. 

-strength while we continue to battle infertility and the plethora of emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual struggles that go along with it. 

-endurance for Kevin during the very long hours his residency will require

Thank you for reading our blog! We will try to be better about keeping it updated! 

Anna

My Journey with Chronic Exhertional Compartment Syndrome

If you knew me as a child, in middle school, high school, or in my early college years, you know that I was an energetic, athletic, always on the move individual. If you didn’t let me fill you in a bit. I started running as a child. I loved it, I was quite good at it, and would frequently outrun my peers in distance running competitions (I was never a sprinter). Before I could run competitively my dad and I would go on runs together. This probably started around 2nd or 3rd grade and began with mile or two short runs. As I grew older they evolved into 5 or 6 mile runs through the country. When I hit middle school I began running competitively and even ended up on the varsity cross country team in 7th grade. I was good, I was fast, I was alive when my feet were in tennis shoes and I was running on the track or through the woods. Along with cross country I played soccer and basketball. I continued to run into high school and added track into the mix. I wasn’t nearly as good in track, but it was a good outlet. 

When I went to college I wasn’t committed to trying out for the team, but I decided to keep in shape and continue to be active. The first few years that wasn’t a problem. I would go for long walks with Kevin at our local park, I would go hiking with friends, and even running around campus or in the gym from time to time. 

Junior year myself and 3 of my girlfriends decided we wanted to go running 3 times a week together (because we lived in different dorms). So one chilly fall morning my friends met me at my dorm and we began our first run together. We were only planning to go a mile or so the first day. We started running down the sidewalk and within 1 minute the worst shin splints of my life developed. I knew instantly something wasn’t right. I stopped…something I had never done up to this point. (In fact, I was sort of crazy in sports. I once ran 5 miles on a stress fractured tibia…oops.) I limped back to my dorm and decided to try some of the stretches I had learned and used for years. A few days later I decided to start back up and take things slow and add walking if I needed. Again, within seconds I was in serious pain. This continued for several days or weeks before I eventually stopped trying, thinking that eventually it would stop. 

Fast forward a year or so. At this point I am married and living with Kevin off campus. He decided to apply to the Air Force to get a scholarship for medical school. In order to do that he had to pass a basic fitness test. Of course at the thought of running with my husband every night I was super excited. I laced up my shoes and we went for a run. Within seconds the shin splints hit, but I ignored them. I was sick of dealing with it. But no less than 15 seconds later the pain shot into my calves. I felt fire crawling up my legs (stopping at the knee) and looked down in horror to see my calf muscles bulging out like a rock was stuck beneath my skin. But I couldn’t stop. My legs were so tight and so cramped that it took me several minutes to be able to even be able to slow to a walk and eventually a limp. 

I called my dad as soon as I was able to catch my breath and move my legs. We thought maybe it was dehydration, maybe a cramp. I got super hydrated and tried a few days later…same exact situation occurred in even less time. At that point we decided it was my shoes. A few weeks later Kevin passed his PT test and I was still unable to run or really walk at more than a leisurely stroll. 

Over the summer we got me new shoes, we got special insoles, we drank gatorade, we walked and ran, we tried EVERYTHING we could think of and nothing changed, nothing helped, my condition worsened. At that point I hit the internet. I typed in my symptoms and the first thing I read was compartment syndrome. A rare condition that results from a crush injury. My mind flashed the Gray’s Anatomy as doctors performed that crazy procedure where they sliced down a screaming patients leg. Oh…I don’t have that I thought. I scrolled on and quickly learned there was a chronic version of compartment syndrome that is most commonly seen in young athletes. My symptoms were on the website in precise detail. I read that invasive testing and extreme surgery were involved and I decided I would NEVER do that. Instead I researched physical therapy techniques and implemented them. Kevin started medical school and learned osteopathic treatments and we tried them. 

Over the next 2 years my condition worsened to the point I lost all other exercise options as my pain took over my activities one by one. The breaking point came when I lost the ability to swim, or take the dogs on a walk without debilitating pain. The symptoms at that point would last DAYS at a time. I went to my doctor and received a referral to an orthopedic surgeon. (This is where several of you started following my journey). A compartment pressure test confirmed that I indeed had Chronic Exhertional Compartment Syndrome. 

What is CECS? So you have these 4 compartments in your calf/shin (anterior, lateral, posterior, and deep posterior). When you have compartment syndrome the pressure in those compartments gets incredibly elevated during any sort of physical activity. If it reaches a certain point it causes the symptoms I was having (extreme tightness, swelling, redness, heat, pain). Think of it this way…when you wrap a rubber band around the tip or your finger it turns red and gets fat right? That is pretty much what was happening in my legs. The fascia (between muscle and fat) was wrapping around my muscles so tightly that blood was becoming stuck in my lower legs and was unable to escape. So during the surgery, a fasciotomy, a surgeon goes into the effected compartments and cuts the fascia to release the pressure (kinda like cutting the rubber band in half).

So we scheduled my surgery (anterior and lateral compartments only) and on December 29, 2015 I had my first surgery. If you remember the pictures my legs turned black and blue, I had 3.5 inch cuts down the sides of my legs and I endured some of the most horrific pain I can imagine. It took several months to recover with PT 3 times a week. But, eventually I got better and started running for the first time in YEARS pain free. It was thrilling. 

By June of 2016 I made it up to a half mile at a time with no symptoms (before that point the longest I made it was 1/10 of a mile). Kevin and I returned to the south to visit family and so he could do his interview rotations for his psych residency. We decided to run around my parents neighborhood. I laced up my running shoes and excitedly walked out the front door to go my old route from high school. We started running and all was well for the first 1/4 mile. Then out of no where the pain emerged. I was shocked, terrified, and angry. I remembered my physical therapist telling me not to freak out if it happened, it could just be a muscle soreness issue. So again, the next day we went out and before we even hit the 1/2 mile mark it was back, but this time almost exclusively in my calves not shins.  

Over the next few days the symptoms reemerged into my every day life. I went to a vascular surgeon to look for an extremely rare issue that is common with CECS where an artery in the back of your leg gets compressed by your muscles. They ran a test that showed while I was exercising the blood pressure in my legs was dropping, but not enough to have the condition (PAES) I was looking for. A second opinion, and a pretty invasive test at at Kansas University ruled out that vascular condition completely. 

I returned to my orthopedic surgeon who was as surprised as I was that my symptoms had returned. He said it was rare to begin with, but to have the condition return was even more rare. The test I had with the dropping BP to my legs during exercise was enough to know that it had returned and relocated to those back compartments. Thank God we didn’t have to redo the pressure testing. We did do an MRI to rule out any other issues.

At this point, the only thing we can do is repeat the surgery and focus on one of the back compartment/s, but possibly all 4. Once he fixes the posterior he will evaluate the remaining 3 compartments and may chose to release all of them.  The chances of it being completely resolved is not as high as I would hope (70%). It is a risk, but there are no other options that are more effective or within our insurance’s regulations. I am holding on to hope at this point, because I have no other choice. If this procedure doesn’t work I am looking at many many years of limited activity and chronic pain. 

I wanted to take the time to explain what exactly is wrong with my legs as many of you who know me in day to day life are pretty familiar with my frequent leg pain, silly work shoes, and brightly colored compression socks. I also wanted to share this journey because I am hoping any poor soul who is doing a google search for chronic exhertional compartment syndrome will find this blog and reach out and get connected into the very small world of CECS. (If that is you, please know there is a support group on Facebook and we are all very willing to share our stories, recommend doctors, and talk about what has and hasn’t worked! There are about 500 of us on there from many states and countries.) 

In a few weeks I will be undergoing round 2 of surgery and hoping for success. PLEASE pray that this time it works, because quite honestly I am DREADING doing this a 2nd time and do not think a 3rd time would even be considered (although I know people who have done it). Pray that the recovery will be easier this go around because there are only 2 people in our home. Pray that despite the even more invasive techniques (they go through and possibly cut through muscles) used this time that recovery will be more smooth than last year! Feel free to ask questions and follow my journey that will be documented on Facebook and instagram (#cecs, #compartmentsyndrome, #fasciotomy….just incase you don’t know me in real life)! 

So there you have it. If you were ever curious about what was actually wrong with my legs now you know! If you have questions PLEASE ask. I actually really enjoy talking to people about it. I am asked oodles of questions by nurses, techs, and anyone else who runs tests on me because it is so rare. So ask away :)

Anna

In the Eye of the Storm

I have felt the desire to write many times recently, but I simply do not know where to start. Our lives have changed in such a dramatic fashion since our last update. Our kids have gone home, Kevin has decided on his career path, the issues in my legs have resurfaced, we are in the process of applying for residency, my cake decorating “business” has taken off, and we have been traveling all over the place, and we are in the early steps of preparing for what could be a pretty massive move. While our lives seem to be moving at a rapid rate, this has also been a season of immense heartache for us. 2016 has been by far the most challenging and heart breaking year of either of our lives, but I will get to that. 

Let me start by telling you about my brilliant husband’s medical career. Last year Kevin started doing rotations for his 3rd year of medical school. He has rotated with all types of doctors ranging from family medicine to surgery. His very first rotation was in psychiatry. He came home happy every day and had a serious interest in the medicine behind it. Many of you who have known us for many years will know that Kevin’s plan has always been to become a family doctor. But, in November and December after completing 2 different rotations in family medicine he discovered his passion was simply not there. He loved talking to patients, helping them process through challenges, and figuring out what was going on below surface level. 

Fastforward to April, our daughter was going through some very difficult situations, and we quickly realized the severe shortage of psychiatrists, specifically for children. Between his love for helping people, his sociology background, his brilliant mind, ability to listen to others, and his love for our children, Kevin realized his passion and calling in medicine was psychiatry, specifically child and adolescent psychiatry. We are absolutely thrilled to have discovered what Kevin loves and where he will be able to help others through his career. 

So, after 3 more months in psychiatry this summer we are 100% committed. We (I say we…but Kevin is the only doctor in the family) have applied to the residency match and are currently awaiting a decision about where we will end up. Because Kevin is in the Air Force we are likely to be matched in December to 1 of 2 programs in the Air Force for psychiatry. The first program is in San Antonio, Texas. The 2nd program (and our top choice) is in Dayton, Ohio. Once we find out where we match, we will begin to plan our move while Kevin finishes his last few months of medical school!!! He will graduate from medical school in May of this coming year. We will then move to the program he matches to, and he will begin residency in June or July. 

In residency Kevin will be working in a hospital (or a clinic) for 80+ hours a week seeing patients every day. He will at that time be considered a doctor (he will be a D.O) although he will be required to complete a 4 year residency before he is able to practice independently. If he chooses to specialize in child and adolescent psych we will have another year or 2 of training to complete. Then we will begin to pay back our time in the Air Force where Kevin will be a psychiatrist. 

Keep your eyes open in December for our (hopefully) big announcement. If Kevin doesn’t match to a military program then we will find out in March where we are going. He has applied to 21 civilian residencies from California to South Carolina, so we will literally have no idea where we will end up! It is quite an adventure, that’s for sure!

Many people ask us about foster care. The most common question we get is “Have you heard from the kids” Thankfully the answer to that question is YES.  We have open communication with our children and we have seen and spoken to them multiple times since they moved back in with their mother. She has been wonderful about allowing us to stay involved with the kids and for her children to have communication with us. I cannot possibly thank Jesus enough for that incredible gift. The next question we get asked is “are you going to take more placements?!” if I am honest with you, we really don’t know. 

You see, there is a lot to our story that is not public. A lot has gone on in our lives that the grand majority of people do not know. To be quite honest, I am shocked I am sharing it with you now. About 2 and half years ago we decided we wanted to start a family. We began making plans, talking about names, and looking at adorable baby clothes. But, our lives don’t always go according to our plans. For well over 2 years now we have been asking the Lord for a child, and the answer has been no. We do not know why, we have no answers. 

When we became foster parents last year, we had begun to consider the possibility of adoption. That was not the reason behind our decision, but it was something we were open to. Many of you know that I (Anna) have planned to adopt a child for the duration of my life. In fact, I told Kevin years ago that he needed to know that was one thing I would NOT compromise on. I told him if he didn’t want to adopt, then I simply couldn’t marry him. But, of course my amazing man had no issues with adoption and was completely open to it (not everyone is). 

When we accepted the placement of Q and A into our home, we were told it was actually likely an adoptive placement. Before they placed them into our care they asked us if we would be open to adoption, to which we said absolutely. From the moment those children walked into our home we knew that it could be permanent. So, imagine the shock in January when we learned that the case was starting to turn back to reunification. Again, let me reiterate to you, we are now THRILLED our children are with their mother. They love her and she loves them, and if a biological parent is a willing and fit parent, they should absolutely be given the right to raise their children. But, at the time that was a very very hard place for us. We loved our kids; we were a family. So to accept the fact that the children you love with every part of your heart are going to be taken away is not an easy place to be. 

But there is even more to this story. When we shared with our case worker in February that we were in a longstanding battle with infertility and wanted to adopt an infant (which is incredibly rare in foster care) she told us she may possibly have a baby on her case load that would be a perfect match for us. He was 6 months old, healthy, and thriving. She told us she couldn’t make any guarantees and the system is frequently changing. After talking through things with the foster family that had the little boy she let us know that we would very-likely be able to take the baby as a foster placement after our children were reunited with their mother, which would make us “first in line” to adopt him a few months later. We made plans, we talked about names, we imagined our life as a family of three. We knew that there were no guarantees, we knew that the plans, family members, and circumstances are always changing, but no amount of training can keep you from hoping and believing with all of your heart that you will be a family. 

A few months passed and we were praying daily for this baby. We believed the Lord had placed us in the situations we were in to find our son. On April 27th, the same day the court ruled to move our children home, the biological aunt of the baby stepped forward and decided she was going to take custody. In the foster care system family (that meet the standards of the system) is always the ideal placement for a child.  I cannot put into words the shock and devestation that swept over us. We lost our children and our baby on the same day. It has taken months to process though this loss. It has taken months to grieve and move forward. To be quite honest, there isn’t a single day that goes by that I do not think about that baby boy. I pray for him constantly that he will grow to know the Lord, and he will be safe and happy with his aunt. 

So, that is why we are not sure if we can foster again right now. Not only do we still process through what happened this past summer with our kids, but we are also still walking through infertility and what I consider a lost adoption. We are also planning for what appears to be a massive move in June. We are open to fostering again, and I have asked God many times if that is what He wants for us, and right now I am just not hearing a "yes." 

Just like almost all of my other blog posts I have to give a plug for a song that has spoken to us, or comforted us. In this case this case that song is “Eye of the Storm” by an artist named Ryan Stevenson. Without a shadow of doubt I can tell you this single song completely sums up not only our struggle this year, but also the beautiful way that the Lord has walked with us through every moment.

"In the eye of the storm

You remain in control

And in the middle of the war

You guard my soul

You alone are the anchor

When my sails are torn

Your love surrounds me 

In the eye of the storm"

We trust and believe that God has a plan. We believe that he has not forgotten us or turned his eyes away. We know that we made a difference in our children’s lives and they changed us forever. We choose to look ahead and not behind us. We live each day knowing that God has a plan for us, a plan for our family, we just don’t know what that looks like right now. 

2016 has been quite a year for us. We have had so much change and are looking ahead at a lot more change here shortly. We hope that sharing our journey has not been in vain. We hope that someone reading this will know they are not alone. We hope that being vulnerable will allow people who need a friend or a listening ear to reach out. Life is too short to live alone or to hide. We are in the business of being real, being honest, and being available for others.

Thanks for reading, 

Kevin and Anna 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-sx8wTnnfSc

  

You're Worth All of Me

When people hear that we are a foster family, many times their first reaction is “Oh my gosh, I could never do that. I would just get so attached to a kid and then having to give them back would just be too hard for me” 

You know, I felt this way for a long time. I felt the Lord call me to foster care many years ago. I always watched from a distance while other people did what I was called to, and I stood on the sidelines afraid to give my heart away and receive nothing but absolute pain. However, I want to tell you why this sacrifice is beyond worth it. 

Almost 10 months ago the 2 most beautiful children walked into my home. It wasn’t hard at all to love them. Their smiles can melt a cold heart. Their sweet voices can bring such softness to a hard situation. When they reach up to be held or hold our hands, there is no doubt in the world that we love them. We have made sacrifices for months, some that were so large it shocked us that we made them so quickly, but that is what love does.

Do you know what is hard? Preparing to watch my children move away. Packing up their sweet little clothes, and all their toys into boxes and duffle bags. Tucking them into bed each night knowing that this will be one of the last times. Hearing the words “I love you mommy” and remembering that this will be something that I will no longer hear in less than a month. I cannot put into words the earth shattering pain associated with these moments, but I can tell you that I will NEVER regret it. I would lay my heart down to be broken 100 more times to protect them from the experiencing the loss of their family.

Here is the truth, in my opinion this type of pain is something to strive for as a foster parent. Every child deserves love. We are made to love and to be loved. It is only when our hearts experience unconditional love that we can begin to heal from the pain we endure as human beings. A 6 and 7 year old deserve to be fought for, treated equally to the other children (if you have any) in your home, and they NEED to be loved in order to learn to bond, to trust, and to grow. Love can heal broken hearts. Love can lead a child to the throne of Jesus Christ. 

If Kevin and I had put up guards around our hearts, I can tell you 100% that these children would not know Jesus, they probably wouldn’t live in our home anymore, and we would have lost two of the most powerful and beautiful moments of our lives. If we chose to only let them have part of our hearts they would have continued to be shuffled from home to home, not knowing how to trust and love adults. No child in the world deserves to be afraid of being hurt by every adult they encounter. 

Even more so, I am called to love unconditionally. This was the example that Jesus gave me when he willingly laid his body on a cross to be crucified to save me. No one doubts that crucifixion is the most painful death imaginable, but this is what Jesus did to save ME! How can I refuse to sacrifice my heart to help save another human from heart break? How can I turn my eyes away from the example that my savior set before me? My life is not about me, it will never be about me. My life is about Jesus. Jesus told me to become a foster parent, and Jesus used me to reach 2 beautiful children. I will forever praise Him, even when it hurts to a level that I cannot express with words. 

I want to leave you with this. A few days ago I was sitting in the car when I remembered a song I heard years ago by Matt Hammit. It is called “All of Me” he wrote the song when his newborn son had a heart defect that was about to kill him. The song is about how despite the pain that he would feel if his child died he would give his child all of his love, because he was worth it. This song has become my truth. My children are worth ALL of me. They are worth it, even if I bleed. They are worth ALL of my heart, and they will forever be worth it. 

Give your heart to a foster child, even when it hurts, it is worth it. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=50ygAc2qP5A

Anna

The Faith of a Child

By now many of you have been made aware of Q’s salvation. I(Kevin) wanted to share a more with you all to give you a deeper understanding of what Jesus has done in our little guy’s life and how he is using this situation to give Anna and I a deeper understanding of his love.

When Q and A first came to live at our house we asked a LOT of questions to fully understand who they were and what we were getting ourselves into. We had become fully licensed foster parents about 2 months prior and had anxiously awaited a placement, so we were both excited and a little nervous when we heard about Q and A. We were told basic things like “Q likes Ninja Turtles and Spiderman, A likes princesses, and they are both polite and well-behaved kids.”

Our time early on with the kids was simply FANTASTIC. Many of you likely remember pictures from birthday parties, build-a-bear, etc, and could see that we were clearly having a BLAST. To be honest, aside from occasional tears and temper tantrums, foster parenting seemed somewhat “easy” at first.  However, as we got to know our kiddos better and began to build a bond, things got WAY more challenging very quickly. I’m sure many of you also remember a blog post that Anna wrote some months ago about the difficulties we were going through. I cannot get into specifics, but basically our children were slowly revealing the hurt of their hearts, and it was manifesting in some extremely difficult behaviors. 

In fact, there was a time in January when the kids started trying to be bad on purpose to push us away. This is a common situation that we had been told about in our foster parenting classes, but I could not have guessed how hard it would be to deal with in real life, and how many serious conversations would need to be had with our kids to show them tough love, extend grace to them, and give them an opportunity to learn from their mistakes. 

Honestly, it tested our patience to the core, and there were times that we really considered giving up. I can remember having conversations with Anna about how easy it would be to just give in and let them push us away, but with help from the Lord we were able to find a way to keep moving forward one day at a time. 

So, how does all this relate to Q coming to know Jesus? Well, during their time with us, we have surrounded the children with biblical messages. They listen to Christian music while going to sleep, we read Bible stories at night, we go to church together every Sunday, we have taken them with us to all our Bible studies and introduced them to many friends from our church. While I believe all these activities may have helped, there is one thing I believe made the difference for Q: Love. We have loved this child for nearly 9 full months. We have loved him through his struggles, his triumphs, his joys, and his pains. We have pushed him to learn his numbers and letters, to learn to be responsible and independent, and to learn to be honest and do the right thing, even when no one is looking. We have dealt with his tantrums, the tears he has conjured to simply “get his way,” his stubborn reluctance to work hard in school, his angry, pouting faces, and his stomping to his bedroom when he is angry with us. 

What Anna and I didn’t realize is that what we did for Q is what Jesus does for all of us. Jesus loves us and continues to fight for us despite our rejection of him, despite the fact that we believe that we know better, ignore his words, and often push him away. I have had a few other experiences in my life where I have been blessed with the opportunity to lead another to Christ, and the story has always been the same: the opportunity only came after many, many hours, days, months, and sometimes even years had been spent showing that person or people true, unconditional love. 

I wanted to share this with all of you to encourage you that YOU have a role in this. You don’t have to be a pastor or professional evangelist to share Christ with others, you simply have to love the way that He loves and never give up on people. You have to love people right where they are at in life, no matter how painful, difficult, or uncomfortable it is. None of us are perfect at this, but with a little help from the Lord we can give others just a glimpse of who Jesus is, and Jesus is so wonderful and perfect that a glimpse is all people really need to see how He can change their lives. 

 I have no doubt that many of you have prayed for Q and his sister, and I want to thank you for that and would like to ask you to keep praying. For now, I will rest in peace, because Q was once lost and now he is found, and we can understand that all the hard times were there to help him come to know his Heavenly Father, and there is nothing better in life than that.

The story of Q coming to know Jesus

Today Kevin let Q watch the Lion, the Witch, and The Wardrobe. While we were in the car tonight after a long day I (Anna) started telling Q how we are like Edmond, that we all make choices that are bad, and follow the wrong person. But, that thankfully Jesus (like Aslan) gave himself up to die in our place. Because of that sacrifice we can be forgiven for our mistakes. That Jesus will be the most perfect daddy for us because He will never leave us. That Jesus can give us joy in hard situations. We have talked for MONTHS about this. We told him if he ever decides he wants to be a Christian and follow Jesus, admit that he has made bad choices and that he wants to follow God's rules to let us know. He was quiet for about 10 seconds and then said "I want to be a Christian." I asked him why, and what that means....and without hesitation he explained the entire thing back to be in his own sweet words. We pulled in the driveway and the 3 of us prayed together.

He is already so different. He told us he wasn't afraid to go in the dark anymore, because he is a Christian now!

Thanks for reading!

Kevin and Anna

Bridge Building

Sometimes things get crazy, things get unbelievable, and you think to yourself this life cannot possibly belong to me. This week was one of those weeks. Our little family was rocked to the core. Fear crept into my heart as I watched the pain my child was in. While I am still not going to share exactly what happened due to privacy, I can tell you it was utterly horrifying. 

This whole week has crawled. I have had conversations with case workers and other people involved in the case that I never imagined having. I have connected with new people and I have felt the Lord moving in ways I never expected. There have been sleepless nights, tears, countless phone calls, and disbelief, yet there has been peace. 

I cannot tell you why bad things or hard things happen, but I can tell you Jesus finds you in them. He has a funny way of doing it too. Never in a thousand years would I have imagined my Thursday night would be spent in a McDonalds with my husband, my son, and my son’s mother due to the situation we were in. Never would I have imagined that we would sit and talk like old friends who had always known each other. NEVER would I have expected for my son to call us both "mommy," and for neither of us to correct him. 

This is my reality, I am a mother. I have 2 children. We are a family who goes to school everyday and does homework. We go to church together on Sundays. We have dinner together, go to movies together, tickle each other while we giggle in the floor. We hold hands, play games, go on walks outside, and have deep conversations. But, my 2 children do not belong to me. My babies that I love, protect, nurture, hold, kiss, hug, and play with….are not mine. They have lived in my home, shared my life, and stolen my heart over the past 9 months, but they ultimately belong to another woman. They are her children. This has been something I have struggled with for many months. 

Tonight though, I understood. Tonight I accepted that my children will always be mine, but they will also always be hers. If and when they transition home, she will have the privilege to hold them and kiss their little cheeks every night. She will tuck them into bed and do homework with them. She will giggle with them and tickle them, and she will be the one they call for in the middle of the night when their dreams are scary. But, just because we don’t share a name or a home doesn’t mean that they will not always be my kids. 

These kids taught me how to love in a way that I never have before. They gave me a chance to be a mom, to fight for them, and to watch them grow. They taught me so much about myself and my husband. There will never be a day in my life when I do not think about them, pray for them, and love them. 

Tonight, for the first time I sat with my childrens' mother, and we built a bridge. We became friends. I accepted that we will forever be bonded because we love the same children, and we will always fight for them. But now, we will fight together. We will be on the same team, we can be united. 

I want so much for my children to go home to their mother. Though it will rip our hearts into a million tiny pieces that we will fit back together over time, I have accepted that she is what is best for them. I have accepted that even if they are no longer in my home, I will always be their mom, even if it has the word "foster" in front of it. I have hope that my children’s mother will stay in contact and that we will all in some way stay a family. They may not call me mommy anymore, but that is okay, because they have a mommy, but they also have a foster mommy who loves them and a child can never have too many mommies and daddies who love them.